I’ve not written a blog recently so I have some catching up to do but I plan to sum up my journey so far.
It’s coming up to a year since I have identified as Hindu when addressing my ‘religion’, and what a year it is becoming. Facing issues with health is my biggest challenge yet although unlike the old me, I am not facing them with fear or panic, I feel deep in my soul a sense of calm and rest. It could be said that this is down to mere maturity or putting on a brave face, how can I argue because these things tend to help but it’s not the full picture, there is a depth of this feeling which is spiritual rather than mature or brave. Don’t get me wrong I do complain about not being well, I am very much a human and a woman so that’s my prerogative, but that inner thought of doom isn’t ruling my life.
Identifying as Hindu is very different to how I imagined. Being a Christian the majority of my life I guess that gave me a certain perspective as to what religion is, I didn’t realize there was a whole new aspect which I was blind to. I don’t mean that in a negative way, it’s about not seeing a different realm because you are focused on what or who you truly believe in, which for many religious groups is indoctrinated. My biblical knowledge may lead many to the belief that I was never a true Christian, do I believe I was? Yes absolutely, but with knowledge can come questions, with questions there are two paths, belief or disbelief or if you like, you can either make sense of the answers or not, with me it was the latter. What I can say through these last 9months that there is a huge difference between religion and belief, belief is not a choice, not true belief, however religion is a choice. No matter what your culture or upbringing, you know in your soul what feels right and good, those lightbulb moments when someone says something inspirational, these beliefs are what makes you who you are. Religion may be something where,through oppression, doesn’t come across or feel like a choice but it is the part of your identity which can be changed if circumstances allowed this. I truly believe that through asking questions, without the fear of being accused of not being the faith you identify as, is the way to grow spiritually, there should never be negative in making your faith as personal as you possibly can, it’s a vital thing to do because we are all individuals and with any faith some things just don’t make sense. These questions my well bring you closer to what you already believe but on some occasions may make you want to investigate other perspectives which you can make sense of, it’s about finding your fit. It is a scary thing, not as in fear of other ideas but it’s the fear of how others will react, especially when you have such strong support and friends who you risk losing, but I plead to everyone, don’t lose yourself, who you are and what you believe is so precious, how can you love and cherish yourself when you are so spiritually lost? Beliefs are so individual and that’s why your personal journey is so important because that will help you through the really hard times, times you think are unbearable will become bearable when you cherish your own journey. It sounds too good to be true but it works.
My life before this enlightenment was far from bad although I struggled with bipolar especially the depression part which even now doesn’t make true sense because I am a logical person and to have a mental illness is crazy because logic always told me the behaviour and thoughts are unrealistic, or ott but still it doesn’t stop the impact of these things really happening. I always believed everything happens for a reason and believe to this day that I have these issues because I can better help others with similar issues. I sometimes heard that when you have a faith you shouldn’t have depression and its a sign that you are not fully immersed in God, which part of me gets but in my heart I know this is not the case and I feel sad that this may put people off religion, it’s so hard not to take something like that to heart.
I’ve always been one of them people to try to do what’s right when it comes to being loving, caring, understanding, supportive, compassionate etc to everyone I meet. It makes me glow from my heart to be able to help others but although I got that part of my life right I just always felt that I had to do more to not only please God but others in my religious family. I would often find myself sobbing because being me was not good enough to make me a good person. This wasn’t really a reflection on those in my religious framework not supporting me because the did and always tried to reassure me but I found it hard to fit in. I watched different types of tv, liked the more frank comedians, lived a totally different life and believed in stuff I didn’t dare to share. I was different and God made me who I am but because of who I am I could never be this good Christian I see in so many others who I spent my time with. I found myself becoming more unhappy because I stopped watching and doing things I enjoyed all in the quest to be the good person, it really was a vicious circle.
When I went to see Russell Brand and hearing him talk about it not mattering what you call God and what you believe, that it’s about doing right and having that ability to care and empathy for others, there’s so much spirituality which was sneaked into his hilarious show. To pick out them gems of wisdom and have that impact more than anything is rare, I obviously needed this to make me look deeper into what I believe and its been a huge journey since that day.
I can truly say I’m changing with the way I see things, in hinduism I do feel that despite my many faults I am actually really happy to be me and have that crazy sense of humour, it’s ok to have a laugh and smut is my second language. It feels so good to actually like the way I am but not only that, I can delve a bit deeper into things that aren’t religious but I am fascinated in such as parapsychology. I know that as long as I do what I feel is right, treat others with respect, say sorry when I mess up etc I really am a good person. To have a weight lifted from my shoulders has made me feel a lot happier in myself and I’m a lot more calm than I use to be.
I’ve not yet visited a temple, I still obviously want to but the truth is I don’t have the means. I don’t feel that this impacts on whether or not I’m hindu because as corny as this sounds, I feel that hinduism comes from the heart. It’s really hard to explain because it’s not something that’s about showing, it’s more about living and feeling. I would love to meet up with other Hindus because I need to learn more but not a day goes by that I don’t learn more about the vedas or other parts of my faith. I find that I naturally meditate, not as in the meditation of sitting crossed legged, I meditate on my thoughts, on my wisdom and knowledge to try and do things in a better way.
Thank you for bearing with me on this blog, I hope you enjoyed it.